Miscarriage – A crossroad to life or dispair

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It’s been three weeks since my miscarriage. I had my blood drawn last Thursday for a fourth time to make sure my Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (hCG) levels are all the way down. My last draw was at 500 and I got a call today from my midwife’s receptionist informing me that my hCG level is at 75 and I have to go back in on Thursday. She also informed me that I was having a miscarriage. I confirmed that yes, I did three weeks ago. This did not phase her and she continued down the I assumed typed list of questions you ask a patient who is having a miscarriage. I answered them all ending the last one with, “Yes, I feel great”. Well, it’s good to know my midwife’s office has finally realized that I am/ or had a miscarriage and we can all be on the same page.

I miss being pregnant in a way, feeling that I was living and doing for something a little extra. That I had a reason or permission to take better care of myself. I only cried at work twice. Silly me, I went back to listening to my pregnancy podcasts. I figured, since I am planning on getting pregnant again, the information will not be wasted. Luckily I broke down while I was alone, cleaning up after our derby guests and washing the towels. I decided to take a break from the podcasts that day but have listened to one or two a day, testing my emotions. Seeing if they are still lurking in the corners, digging them out and dealing with them so they don’t fester and reincarnate.

Now I am at a crossroads. I can go one way and stay in the past and continually mourn, recycling the events and mistreatments or I can look the other way to new life and opportunities with a clean slate.

5 Reasons to Keep Sulking

  1. I didn’t have a baby, but still have the baby fat. One of the biggest reminders of my loss every morning when getting dressed. Plus, I still can’t dance too hard or I start getting stomach cramps.
  2. I don’t get to dance pregnant at the Woodland Arts Festival. I never saw myself being able to hold my own doing a pregnant belly dance solo and when I realized I would be pregnant during the Woodland Arts Festival, I began visualizing all my sister belly dancers spinning around with me and my round belly. Now that we are moving at the end of the year to Florida, I have to start all over again finding a dance family.
  3. I can use my ‘delicate’ condition to continue to be pampered by my husband. Felipe has shown extra care these past few weeks, taking me out to a Mother’s day brunch, driving me to dance class and patiently waiting, and even giving in to letting me buy 20 gumball machines to start a side business. Heck, maybe I could even get him to clean the bathroom if I milk this a bit further.
  4. Lots of friends are having babies and I won’t be pregnant buddies with them. While everyone around me is going into labor and popping out babies, I am reminded by their cute baby pictures and all the Baby Center and Motherhood email newsletters that YES, I was in the pregnant club once but am no longer because my membership was somehow lost in the mail. I won’t be able to go on play dates with my friends and their babies. I’ll have to make new mommy friends, I don’t have inside jokes with and maybe they will smell funny and have poor taste in music.
  5. I have to start all over again. This sums it up. I now have to start ALL over finding a dance family, mommy friends, and my first trimester of pregnancy. Even though I was only 9 weeks, it was 9 weeks closer to meeting baby.

5 Reasons to Move On

  1. I can sleep well at night and am not tired all day. Even though I am a big believer in naps, more than one a day starts making a huge dent in your social life. Plus, having to pee twice a night and the weird dreams, don’t help in getting a full 8, 7, or 6 hours a night.
  2. I now have more time to learn about being pregnant, labor, and baby care instead of trying to pack it all into 9 months. It can be overwhelming preparing for a baby and now that I know this is what I want, I can do it with a little less stress. I plan to stay on my low sugar diet (starting next week :)) including prenatal pills and raspberry leaf tea (good for 1st and 3rd trimester).
  3. I can go to water parks this summer and ride roller coasters and all the other things that pregnant women are not allowed to do.
  4. I can go, go, go and take as many dance classes as I wish. This really helped me focus on going forward. I bought two pairs of salsa dancing shoes, since I will be able to stay awake past 8 pm and can go out dancing again. I found some comfy padded 5 inch heels by Pleaser that I hope will keep my feet happy all night and not leave me limping to the car.
  5. I can take my time developing a maternity wardrobe that I can still wear afterwards. I bought my first pair of pregnancy pants and wore them for the first time to work on the day I had the miscarriage. I’ve continued to wear them since my work pants were getting too tight and my belly is still a bit sore. They are actually super comfy, belly or no belly. And with all the twisting, crouching, and bending I do, they are like fancy yoga khakis. The week after the miscarriage, Felipe took me clothes shopping since I kept complaining that nothing fit. I bought mostly rompers and summer dressers, things that were stretchy and would not put any pressure on my belly. Having clothes that fit helped me feel a lot better and more normal again.
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