Miscarriage – A crossroad to life or dispair

ROADTRIP

It’s been three weeks since my miscarriage. I had my blood drawn last Thursday for a fourth time to make sure my Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (hCG) levels are all the way down. My last draw was at 500 and I got a call today from my midwife’s receptionist informing me that my hCG level is at 75 and I have to go back in on Thursday. She also informed me that I was having a miscarriage. I confirmed that yes, I did three weeks ago. This did not phase her and she continued down the I assumed typed list of questions you ask a patient who is having a miscarriage. I answered them all ending the last one with, “Yes, I feel great”. Well, it’s good to know my midwife’s office has finally realized that I am/ or had a miscarriage and we can all be on the same page.

I miss being pregnant in a way, feeling that I was living and doing for something a little extra. That I had a reason or permission to take better care of myself. I only cried at work twice. Silly me, I went back to listening to my pregnancy podcasts. I figured, since I am planning on getting pregnant again, the information will not be wasted. Luckily I broke down while I was alone, cleaning up after our derby guests and washing the towels. I decided to take a break from the podcasts that day but have listened to one or two a day, testing my emotions. Seeing if they are still lurking in the corners, digging them out and dealing with them so they don’t fester and reincarnate.

Now I am at a crossroads. I can go one way and stay in the past and continually mourn, recycling the events and mistreatments or I can look the other way to new life and opportunities with a clean slate.

5 Reasons to Keep Sulking

  1. I didn’t have a baby, but still have the baby fat. One of the biggest reminders of my loss every morning when getting dressed. Plus, I still can’t dance too hard or I start getting stomach cramps.
  2. I don’t get to dance pregnant at the Woodland Arts Festival. I never saw myself being able to hold my own doing a pregnant belly dance solo and when I realized I would be pregnant during the Woodland Arts Festival, I began visualizing all my sister belly dancers spinning around with me and my round belly. Now that we are moving at the end of the year to Florida, I have to start all over again finding a dance family.
  3. I can use my ‘delicate’ condition to continue to be pampered by my husband. Felipe has shown extra care these past few weeks, taking me out to a Mother’s day brunch, driving me to dance class and patiently waiting, and even giving in to letting me buy 20 gumball machines to start a side business. Heck, maybe I could even get him to clean the bathroom if I milk this a bit further.
  4. Lots of friends are having babies and I won’t be pregnant buddies with them. While everyone around me is going into labor and popping out babies, I am reminded by their cute baby pictures and all the Baby Center and Motherhood email newsletters that YES, I was in the pregnant club once but am no longer because my membership was somehow lost in the mail. I won’t be able to go on play dates with my friends and their babies. I’ll have to make new mommy friends, I don’t have inside jokes with and maybe they will smell funny and have poor taste in music.
  5. I have to start all over again. This sums it up. I now have to start ALL over finding a dance family, mommy friends, and my first trimester of pregnancy. Even though I was only 9 weeks, it was 9 weeks closer to meeting baby.

5 Reasons to Move On

  1. I can sleep well at night and am not tired all day. Even though I am a big believer in naps, more than one a day starts making a huge dent in your social life. Plus, having to pee twice a night and the weird dreams, don’t help in getting a full 8, 7, or 6 hours a night.
  2. I now have more time to learn about being pregnant, labor, and baby care instead of trying to pack it all into 9 months. It can be overwhelming preparing for a baby and now that I know this is what I want, I can do it with a little less stress. I plan to stay on my low sugar diet (starting next week :)) including prenatal pills and raspberry leaf tea (good for 1st and 3rd trimester).
  3. I can go to water parks this summer and ride roller coasters and all the other things that pregnant women are not allowed to do.
  4. I can go, go, go and take as many dance classes as I wish. This really helped me focus on going forward. I bought two pairs of salsa dancing shoes, since I will be able to stay awake past 8 pm and can go out dancing again. I found some comfy padded 5 inch heels by Pleaser that I hope will keep my feet happy all night and not leave me limping to the car.
  5. I can take my time developing a maternity wardrobe that I can still wear afterwards. I bought my first pair of pregnancy pants and wore them for the first time to work on the day I had the miscarriage. I’ve continued to wear them since my work pants were getting too tight and my belly is still a bit sore. They are actually super comfy, belly or no belly. And with all the twisting, crouching, and bending I do, they are like fancy yoga khakis. The week after the miscarriage, Felipe took me clothes shopping since I kept complaining that nothing fit. I bought mostly rompers and summer dressers, things that were stretchy and would not put any pressure on my belly. Having clothes that fit helped me feel a lot better and more normal again.
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9 weeks or 4 ? – Miscarriage Emergency Room Fail

Monday, May 4, 2015

I’m just going to put it out there. I had a miscarriage today.

I woke up to cramping and light spotting. I got ready for work and as I was about to walk out the door, I felt light headed. I sat down and decided to have breakfast first. I texted my manager that I would be 15 minutes late. The breakfast did not help, so I rested on the couch for a while. The cramping got stronger and I called my midwife’s office. They told me to come in immediately.

Felipe had just left for work and was texting me regularly. He asked our neighbor Marnie to drive me to the appointment. She gladly took me right over. Once in the office, I learned my blood work from the week before turned out fine and my hormone levels were on the rise. After peeing in a cup, an ultra sound, and more blood work, nothing clear was determined. All I knew was, it could be three things 1.) an infection 2.) a blood clot 3.) a miscarriage. The ultra sound showed a 4 week old baby in a 9 week pregnant body. At 4 weeks a heart beat cannot be detected. So, to me this all sounded like a miscarriage and no one wanted to admit it. I understand the midwife did not want to cause me alarm but it would have been nice to be educated on what was about to happen to me, in the event that it would happen to me, which it did.

I’m not saying I was tramatized by the afternoon events, I’m not an extremely emotional/dramatic woman at work, in business, or in my head when I process my life experiences. I tend to look forward constantly. The past cannot be change. How can this problem be solved with what we have now? If you ask my mother or husband, you may get a different story, but you will never ever see that side of me. I blog to be more openly emotional. My writing can be cold, informative, and dry. It’s a work in process.

So, Felipe met Marnie and I at the midwife’s office and we went to buy painkillers and lots and lots of ice cream and cones to go with all my ice cream. I had not had ice cream in 5 months. At the writing of this at 7 p.m., I have still not had ice cream. Anyway, by the time I got home my cramps had kicked up. I laid down on the bed with a heating pad in hopes of napping. The cramps began to intensify in waves. I felt like throwing up and went to the bathroom. I laid on the floor but could not stay in one position for long. I began to moan to try to relieve the pain. I told Felipe to call the midwife. She informed him that I must pass the baby but could come into the office or go to the Emergency room for pain relief.

The Emergency room was closer and we arrived in 15 minutes. As we were walking down the long hall to the entrance, I felt something grape size pass. It took at least 30 minutes to register me with the front desk and for the nurse to take my vitals. The nurse asked me how I knew I was having a miscarriage. I told her I did not know. I’ve never had one. Will I bleed to death? Will my insides explode? I don’t know? She was in no hurry to help or educate me. I could not sit and I paced the floor. We finally got to a room and I paced and paced and paced. The cramps became less and less and farther and farther apart. I realized I no longer needed any pain killers. Felipe called the midwife and she advised us that it was okay to leave. Just as he got back to the room, the doctor showed up and I pushed past her saying, ” I am no longer in pain, I have passed the baby. I am checking out.” She blankly looked at me as we walked by and the nurse that registered me pointed the way to the exit.

I got so involved in learning about being pregnant that I did not think to prepare for the possibility of not being pregnant suddenly. Thank you to my friends, who have been through this before, for guiding me and supporting me during this tough and confusing time.

I wish I would have read these articles before my miscarriage.

Miscarriage in the First Trimester

How to have a Natural Miscarriage (no D & C)

Here are some good websites for loss

Lost Innocents

Resources After Loss

And episode 91 of Pregtastic is a must to listen to after a miscarriage.

Episode 91 show notes: “Is miscarriage preventable? If so, how? What are the signs of miscarriage? Are there health conditions that can cause miscarriage? What goes on with a woman’s hormones before and after a miscarriage? Dr. Deborah Wachs, a Reproductive Endocrinologist answers these and other miscarriage questions.”